All Day in Bed

Cold Company

Well, you can guess what happened. Nothing decadent, sexy or even mildly provocative about catching that family head cold. Sadly, I was the final holdout felled, despite all my sacrifices in the kitchen to chicken soup gods. However, if you’re turned on by flannel, hot water bottles and VapoRub, then by all means read on.

Piles of crumpled tissues aside, this is a useful opportunity to get to know your nose better, and to realize how far sinus pain can travel. Why, that old wisdom tooth war wound just comes alive from the caress of packed nasal passages, not to mention renewed fantasies about lockjaw when one is unable to open the mouth wide enough to spoon in chicken soup originally meant for others.

Even in the privacy of the bedroom, appearance means everything. Bed head takes on a whole new meaning, particularly when you are unable to see anything in the mirror because of excessive eye watering. Lingerie must be chosen carefully, good coverage for the inevitable cold shoulder, but easily removed during blasted hot flashes that this particular virus is fond of triggering for me.

The unique opportunity to lounge would be enjoyable, if I could stop sneezing long enough to work on my perfect Hollywood pose. As for entertainment, since I don’t have the slightest idea how to sterilize my phone, laptop or TV (yes, that far across the room) when all this nasal precipitation is over, my only amusement is to blearily predict what the cat will do with empty kleenex boxes strewn about the room.

The rest of my family keeps their distance, even though they are the ones who gave me this plague. My allure these days is solely dependent on whether they need anything that only I can provide (e.g., passwords, location of checkbook, last will and testament, that sort of thing). And after everyone else falls asleep, I’m guaranteed an intimate evening alone with my stuffy thoughts by the light of all-night syndicated sitcoms, while my thumbs get a real workout playing revolving rounds of Candy Crush and Farm Heroes.

So you see, the 24-hour bed deal is not all that glamorous. And as for romance, believe me, the only thing steaming up around here is my vaporizer.

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6 thoughts on “All Day in Bed

  1. Shirah

    Gee, it almost (but not quite) makes a cold somewhat appealing when it is so richly described. Feel better soon, however. My dogs, by the way, would just love to help shred up your piles of used kleenexes. Without getting gross, the more heavily “used” they are the greater the appeal.

    1. I’m on the mend, now, Shirah. And yes, I had a dog that loved used tissues, too. She fished them out of the trash cans. My cat, however, seems to think he’s too good for that. Thanks for reading and hope to see you soon!

  2. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a cold as anything to laugh at before, but (maybe) now I do. My sympathies, nonetheless! I did particularly love the parts about the last will and testament and the Hollywood poses. Thanks for the laugh — obviously a good writer can make a prompt out of almost anything!

    I do hope you are much better today.

    1. Thanks, Maureen, I’m getting there. Colds are such humbling experiences that I need humor to endure. Well, that and a hot toddy. Enjoy the sunshine today, and a warmup tomorrow, hopefully.

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